Monday 3 December 2012
Sunday 2 December 2012
Prevailing rage, trying to get a wage.
OHHIGUYS!
Over the past few months, I have been searching for a job. Hamley's didn't work out because when I got there, I was told that they no longer wanted me to dress up, and that I would be on the sales floor (pfft), and then, AND THEN they decided to change the hours in my contract to a measly, couldn't live on it even if I ate sand, four hours a week!. So I had to continue my job hunt. I then found a job in a cafe, that I shall not mention, for the fear, THE FEAR! and I thought everything was going to be ok, that I could afford to buy myself whatever I lusted after and be the darn best dressed cafe worker in all of Dublin. But alas! This job did not work out either. So I had to start the jobhunt AGAIN! which is pretty difficult in Ireland, AKA: Recession Land.
And this is where I have beef with Irish employers. I have been on probably, oh say, 4734 interviews in my quest to find a frequent income, and the amount of crazy ass, humiliating and downright inhumane shit I have been asked to do at interviews is an outrage!
So I have composed this wee list of things to expect when going for an interview nowadays, (cos it ain't like it used to be!) in order to help any of you who are looking to find a job.
1: Expect the unexpected! So people always say to be prepared when going for an interview, to know what you're going to say, and to have background knowledge about the company you're interviewing for. These are all good points, however, I found that interview techniques have now changed and most big companies hold recruitment days, or group interviews where you can be asked to do the most bizarre, demoralizing shit ever. I have been on my fair share of group interviews and I have been asked to..... ahem....
- Design a dress made out of carrier bags and paper and sellotape said design to a model, and then present it to the room giving details of fabric, colours, design features and pricing.
- Plan a party for a six year old girl.
-Style an outfit for some Z list celebrity that I've never heard of.
- Slurp some coffee, and give details of the flavours I got from it. 'Oh yes, I'm definitely getting some hazelnut undertones'
And these are to name but a few! So eh, yeah, if you have to attend a group interview, don't be surprised if you're asked to give a rundown of the company's history, whilst peeling an orange with one hand and masturbating with the other. IT'S ALL COMPANY POLICY!
2. Expect to wait around for AGES! I hate being late for anything, so I always turn up WAY too early. But what really irritates me is when you have made the effort to turn up 10 minutes early, in order to make a good impression for your potential new boss, and they turn around and say 'Oh you're actually quite early, so you'll have to wait, we told you 10 o clock, not 10 to'.
I know I'll have to wait, I decided I would arrive in advance because I wanted to impress your ass, and show that I am an eager fucking beaver who is just dying to sign my soul away to this evil conglomerate, that you call a workplace. If I get the effing job, I'll never be early, honest! Please don't hold my magnificent time keeping skills against me!
And then to punish you for being early they make you wait around for sometimes hours in a crowded, either too hot or too cold room, whilst they sort out the paperwork that should have been done a week ago, when they asked you to attend the interview. If you find yourself in a situation like this, use your time to speak to the other interviewee's, it will give you an inkling into who your biggest competition is, and then you'll have time to conjure a plan to destroy them. (maniacal laugh)
3. Expect there to be an outrageously, obnoxious, overly-confident C. U.Next.Tuesday. Yes every group interview has one, and if you're after coming from one where there wasn't an unnecessarily loud, big mouth, loathsome person, then you my friend are THAT person.
The way to tackle these human abominations is to let them speak as much as they want, (which will be ALL the time) because the employer will more than likely see that they are complete, nauseating morons and won't want to employ them. Now the trick is after they finish talking, you perk up, and answer next. If possible try to use what the egotistical dickhead said in a negative way, and then answer the question showing why your way is better than theirs.
eg. 'I can see what Tom the giant douche bag is saying, but I think that customers may view his approach as too in your face. I always prefer to acknowledge the customer and offer my help without being too forceful. I find people are much more receptive when they see you as caring and helpful, and not a sales orientated, arrogant cock, .... isn't that right Tom?'
See! It's easy!
4. Expect to be split into teams and given a task to complete. Employers want to see how well you work with others and that you're a team player, so in order for them to do this, they must give 'team tasks'. These tasks can range from anything like 'list 10 examples of excellent customer service' to 'do as many fisherman knots as you can in 10 minutes'. BECAUSE WHY THE F**K NOT?
5. Expect to make a fool of yourself. Yes at these group interviews where you could be asked to do just about anything, you really have to give it your all. It can at times be frustrating when you know that what you've been asked to do doesn't really relate to the job you've applied for and is more like an acting workshop, but try to prevail! Don't take yourself too seriously, and try to have fun with it. They make great stories!
Employers hold group interviews because they want to see who stands out, and who can think for themselves. It's a fine line between standing out, and becoming Tom the Cock. Never talk over anyone, wait until they have finished, then raise your hand and answer. Make sure you always answer the question, never say 'I don't know', because behind every Tom the Cock, is a quivering Silent Susan, who says nothing. Always be up for the challenge, and try to think about why you're doing this, THE JOB AT END OF THE RAINBOW!!!!!!
I hope these few tidbits of knowledge help, and I would be extremely interested to know about your group interviews. Please let me know! :)
Ciara K.
P.S. I have finally found myself a job, and I really like it! I didn't have to jump through hoops to get it either!
I know I'll have to wait, I decided I would arrive in advance because I wanted to impress your ass, and show that I am an eager fucking beaver who is just dying to sign my soul away to this evil conglomerate, that you call a workplace. If I get the effing job, I'll never be early, honest! Please don't hold my magnificent time keeping skills against me!
And then to punish you for being early they make you wait around for sometimes hours in a crowded, either too hot or too cold room, whilst they sort out the paperwork that should have been done a week ago, when they asked you to attend the interview. If you find yourself in a situation like this, use your time to speak to the other interviewee's, it will give you an inkling into who your biggest competition is, and then you'll have time to conjure a plan to destroy them. (maniacal laugh)
3. Expect there to be an outrageously, obnoxious, overly-confident C. U.Next.Tuesday. Yes every group interview has one, and if you're after coming from one where there wasn't an unnecessarily loud, big mouth, loathsome person, then you my friend are THAT person.
The way to tackle these human abominations is to let them speak as much as they want, (which will be ALL the time) because the employer will more than likely see that they are complete, nauseating morons and won't want to employ them. Now the trick is after they finish talking, you perk up, and answer next. If possible try to use what the egotistical dickhead said in a negative way, and then answer the question showing why your way is better than theirs.
eg. 'I can see what Tom the giant douche bag is saying, but I think that customers may view his approach as too in your face. I always prefer to acknowledge the customer and offer my help without being too forceful. I find people are much more receptive when they see you as caring and helpful, and not a sales orientated, arrogant cock, .... isn't that right Tom?'
See! It's easy!
4. Expect to be split into teams and given a task to complete. Employers want to see how well you work with others and that you're a team player, so in order for them to do this, they must give 'team tasks'. These tasks can range from anything like 'list 10 examples of excellent customer service' to 'do as many fisherman knots as you can in 10 minutes'. BECAUSE WHY THE F**K NOT?
5. Expect to make a fool of yourself. Yes at these group interviews where you could be asked to do just about anything, you really have to give it your all. It can at times be frustrating when you know that what you've been asked to do doesn't really relate to the job you've applied for and is more like an acting workshop, but try to prevail! Don't take yourself too seriously, and try to have fun with it. They make great stories!
Employers hold group interviews because they want to see who stands out, and who can think for themselves. It's a fine line between standing out, and becoming Tom the Cock. Never talk over anyone, wait until they have finished, then raise your hand and answer. Make sure you always answer the question, never say 'I don't know', because behind every Tom the Cock, is a quivering Silent Susan, who says nothing. Always be up for the challenge, and try to think about why you're doing this, THE JOB AT END OF THE RAINBOW!!!!!!
I hope these few tidbits of knowledge help, and I would be extremely interested to know about your group interviews. Please let me know! :)
Ciara K.
P.S. I have finally found myself a job, and I really like it! I didn't have to jump through hoops to get it either!
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